Riding the Media Rainbow
by Madeener
Summary: Yzak hates Athrun and Cagalli's peace campaign advertisement. In order to keep his job, he has to create an advertisement to trick people into thinking the military is more awesome than peace. The only thing is, he isn't doing it conventionally...
1. One

**Disclaimer: **All the characters, terms and giant robots you find in the Gundam series belong to whoever owns Gundam. If you don't find them, they most probably belong to me.

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**One.**

**Fucked Up Circumstances and Fucked Up Ideas Make Silver-Haired Guys Pretty Fucking Angsty**

"I hate that puss-boy Zala. Fuck that bimbo princess," Yzak growled. "I fucking hate 'em!" He slammed his shot-cup on the counter and beckoned the bartender for another tequila. "All this work and quid to promote the military all down the drain because of those, those _cunts_!" He lifted the tequila shot and gobbled it down with a fiery passion. "I fucking hate 'em!"

His hazel-skinned friend sat next to him, watching him drink himself into oblivion. This fellows's name was Dearkka, and though he too was from the military, he had only the job of patrolling the PLANTs in the name of security; whenever he fancied, too. He grinned widely like a banana, throwing needles of amusement at his crimson faced friend. "You didn't say anything when your mother had you bleach your hair into this freakish vampire colour in the ol' days," he remarked.

Yzak glared at him. "It was voluntary! Can you imagine having _purple _as your hair's natural shade? Everyone called me a friggin' gypsy in third grade for it… and you were one of them!"

"And I can recite all the names they called you too! Deep Purple, Homo-Jule, Mr. Dazed-and-Confused, Momma's Boy…"

"Shut up!" roared Yzak. "Shut the fuck up!"

Dearkka began laughing hysterically, grabbing onto his stomach as memories from that time returned to him like rounds from an M16 rifle set on automatic. Yzak hadn't given up complaining either, and soon the two of them were the object of stares from the young uniformed men and women having an evening out at the pub during happy hour.

When he was done yelling, Yzak slumped back onto the red bar-chair. "Look, I was serious. If I blow my budget on another ineffective marketing campaign, I'm going to find an unwelcome letter from the uppers on my desk soon."

"Why don't you just go back to being a trooper?" asked Dearkka.

"Don't fuck with me. You know clearly why." Yzak placed his head on the counter, letting his arms fall at his sides. "My wife's in with Zala's campaign."

"Oh, yeah. Right." Dearkka sighed. "That Shiho wouldn't hurt a fly these days. To think a bunch of years ago she was the ace. Women sure are receptive towards makeovers, eh?"

"Damn straight. But mine had to make me quit my job. Just because I carry a rifle and ride a suit doesn't mean I'm going to kill anyone, does it? But no, 'It's not right,' she says. 'We should give up firearms altogether,' she says." Yzak rolled his eyes, though no one could see him do it. "The hell are we going to do when someone decides to send nukes at us again?"

"Or if the Jupiterians finally attack," said Dearkka, wide eyed. "Can you imagine what a catastrophe it would be? We'd be jumping around the PLANTs for our lives like maggots fried on a frying pan!"

"Not funny."

"I try." Dearkka smirked. "You're too rigid, Yzak. That's why your advertisements suck."

Yzak grunted. "I try."

Suddenly, a familiar anthem began to play on the bar's plasma television set. "Speak of the devil, " Dearkka said. "Here it is!"

The advertisement showed a platoon of soldiers marching with rifles in their arms, singing 'A soldier's life is right for me' in C-minor (and mind you, minor scales aren't exactly the most cheerful), then it continued on to a video of mobile suits in a parade, mobile suits being serviced, mobile suits in space and finally, Lacus Clyne's own custom painted mobile suit which was used during her concerts on Earth during the second war. It ended with Yzak himself saying, "Be a man. Do the right thing. Protect our home." and the crest of the ZAFT military.

"That fails. Bad," said Dearkka.

"I know," Yzak said, burying his head deeper into his arms as people began to look at him and giggling excitedly at spotting 'the guy in the shitty commercial'.

"Oh! Here comes Zala's one. Wow, nice chicks," Dearkka said as he watched the flashy imagery playing to the tune of Lacus Clyne's latest hit single, 'P-P-PEACE FOREVER peachypeaceremix!' "I like how they use Cagalli in this one. She's hot."

Yzak only raised his head at the last part, showing Athrun clad in his full body of boyish orgasmic sexiness with a big busted Cagalli at his side and saying, "This is what peace is like. Care to join us?" and ending with a sparkling grin. Yzak felt a jolt in his stomach, muttering, "tit flaunters" under his breath.

"I can see why you're losing soldiers to this," giggled Dearkka. "It's a massacre. Goliath grabbing David by the balls, really."

"What should I do then?" scoffed Yzak. "I don't have a pair of tits to flaunt, and those closest to me have been grabbed by the enemy. Just what?"

Dearkka grinned his banana grin again. "You do look rather… attractive – in a non-gay way, of course. Maybe we can make a few, well, changes to your physique to make you more appealing?"

Yzak looked suspiciously at his friend. "Just what are you suggesting?"

Dearkka reached for his wallet and pulled out a name card. When Yzak read it, he cringed in disgust. "Fuck you! Fuck you and your fucked up ideas!" But Dearkka whistled, and said, "You do have a quota to meet, do you?"

Sighing, Yzak covered his face with his hand, and then ordered another shot of tequila. "Tell me your plan. And it better fucking work!"

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**Author's Notes: **We need more stories antagonising Athrun and Cagalli! Roar!


	2. Two

**Disclaimer: **See 1st Chapter.

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**Two.**

**Visit to the Magical and Magnificent Doctor Ho's Little Workshop In the Middle of Friggin' Nowhere.**

Yzak lifted his sunglasses and looked in front of him, and then to his sides. In front was an alleyway, and to his sides were white plaster walls which he thought a little too clean considering the state of the neighbourhood. But then he remembered that he lived in a place where animals had been genetically modified to only conduct their regular activities away from urban areas, and where the people were born with… something which made them abstain from littering and vandalism. The downside of living in such a place was that, well, everything looked the same.

He knew it – he was lost.

Unfolding a crumpled piece of paper, he began to trace back his path on the map Dearkka had drawn from him. He remembered making correct turns here and there, and became a little doubtful of his twelfth turn a half-hour ago. Finally he decided to back up his car and try a different turning, growling to himself as he did.

_That cock-wad_, he thought. _When I get back I'm going to sign him on for that stupid map-reading and -making module again._

While his mind plotted his sweet revenge, his hands and feet went into an inevitable state of stupid, and before long his hind bumper knocked down an innocent trash which, to his misfortune, was full to the brim with trash. Yzak let loose a great exclamation of contempt and got out to inspect the damage. A vivid scratch greeted him behind the car.

"Fuck!" he cried._Those insurance pussies are never going to buy this._

He whipped out his mobile phone and dialed for Dearkka, tapping his foot vigorously as it beeped until finally the person on the other side picked up, only it wasn't Dearkka as he expected, but a recorded message expressing its regret for not being able to reach Dearkka for reasons like him not having his phone on. Yzak cussed for the third time, this time making sure he could be heard. Little did he know that the person who heard him was a charm.

"Hello?" said a small, shy sounding voice. "Are you okay over there?"

Yzak growled as he turned around, saying, "If you had heard me scream, you'd probably realise… wah!" The owner of the shy voice wasn't a girl as he (and agreeably, most of us) expected, but a towering man with arms of steel and an iron chest you could pretty much use as a table. The catch: he was wearing a skirt and blouse, so 'he' could be a 'she' as well. Yzak's jaw slacked as he stared at the man, too shocked to mention another word.

"Hey, I was only trying to help." The she-man stepped closer to Yzak. "Cuties like you shouldn't be screaming like that. It gives out vibes of… excitement." She grinned.

Yzak's knees froze at the mention of the word 'cutie'. His legs wouldn't move as the she-man's fingers began to touch his shoulder, and he sweated as if he was sitting by an electric fire in a hearth at the apex of summer. "You know, dear, I know these parts pretty well. If you have a question, I'd be happy to answer," she said, though her eyes were looking downwards, at where Yzak dared not think.

"I'm looking for… for Doctor Ho's 'magic workshop' which sho-… should be around here somewhere I… I think!"

The She-man's hands withdrew immediately, returning to her chest and then embracing in a clasp typical of anime girls. "Why dear, you're already here! Didn't whoever recommended you tell you we don't have a signboard as well?"

Dearkka's smug face and trademark thumbs-up appeared in Yzak's mind. He gave the image a mental punch in the face. "No."

"We have to to keep the paparazzi away. Lots of 'them' are regular customers of ours, if you get what I mean," she said with a wink. "Now come along. It isn't too far off."

They walked some way and up two flights of building-side stairs before reaching the door of what appeared to be a regular white apartment building. The windows at the side had curtains with white orchids drawn together. Yzak's guide tapped once on the door, waited awhile and then rapped it three times. "That's the knocking code to get in," she said. "You should remember it for the next time you come."

"Wait. Next time?"

"Well yeah," she said looking surprised. "Almost all of Doctor Ho's work requires maintenance. That's why we call it a 'workshop' and not a 'clinic', see?"

Yzak gulped at thought of having to return. He repeated the knock in his mind.

A feminine voice behind it answered, "Coming!" Yzak could hear the footsteps of a person wearing clogs behind the door. He shut his eyes and braced himself for the onslaught.

"Look what I found, Alex! A customer!"

_Alex_, Yzak thought. _That means…_

"Sir, are you okay?"

Yzak opened one of his eyes. Surprisingly, the sight of the person who was looking at him wasn't at all what he expected. She was someone… normal. A normal girl! "Yeah, I'm fine," he muttered. "May I come in?"

Alex giggled. "Why of course! How will we be able to service you if you don't?" She directed him to a couch by the side of the room with her hand. "Please, make yourself at home."

Yzak walked in and removed his sunglasses, folding them and than hanging them upon the neckline of his shirt. "Here, I'll take your coat!" Alex yelled. Before he could say a word, Alex's hands were already on his jacket, and with no concern for the man it clothed, yanked it off with a hard pull.

"Hey!" Yzak barked. "What was that for?" Instead of an apology, Yzak found Alex and the she-man looked at him dumbfounded. It was only after a few seconds that he realised that there were only women in the room. Literally. And that included him now that he was in it. "Er… I'll hang it myself if that's okay with you." He stretched out his hands towards Alex, demanding back his black jacket sheepishly.

Unfortunately, he realised he might have gotten the wrong impression of Alex as the bespectacled girl withdrew the jacket and pouted at him instead. "No!"

An awkward silence ensued as both parties stared at each other. Dot, dot, dot. "I… er…" Yzak tried to say, but he could find no words to remedy the situation. "You know what? Please hang it for me." At this Alex's pout took a hundred-and-eighty degree turn into a grin, and then she skipped her way to the cloth hanger, tossing the jacket over one of the wooden hooks and then praising herself for a job well done.

"Forgive her," the she-man who had mysteriously appeared by Yzak's side whispered. "She's not much of a Coordinator, if you get what I mean." Yzak could only nod. "Oh, I almost forgot. We haven't introduced ourselves properly yet. I'm Beatrix," Beatrix (the she-man) showed her hand to Yzak.

"Yuri," Yzak said and they shook hands. He could not help but notice the pink nail polish on Beatrix's fingers and sighed in his mind. _What the_fuck _have I gotten myself into?_


End file.
